Affair-proofing & porn-proofing your marriage (podcast)

Learn 13 ideas on things you can do to help prevent your husband from straying to pornography or another woman, as well as 10 things you can do to help prevent yourself from unintentionally falling into an affair!  (Debbie and Nancy)

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2 Comments on “Affair-proofing & porn-proofing your marriage (podcast)

  1. I’ve been so motivated since March 2017. Listening daily to your teachings and desperately trying to be a nice, gentle, charming and all the other lady-like perfect wife things I am not. I was making progress, I think.

    Last night, my husband could no longer keep up the lies regarding him watching porn and lusting, searching, and obsessing over dozens, hundreds of women online. Last night, the chapter on the only year I felt and gave true love in my 30’s, closed. I am so deflated right now. I want everyone to pay for my sadness, my isolation, for watcing me be manipulated, and for everyone continuing to eat out of my husband’s hand that he’s some “great patient guy” and that “I’m so lucky.”

    Last March I discovered my husband contacted a divorce attorney. I checked his phone logs. He never ever comes clean voluntarily about anything that’s even slightly tarnishing. Needless to say, I was devastated. I took him for granted for the past 5 years (been married 7 1/2 now) b/c I thought he’d never leave. For summarizing sake, I married a man that many people are surprised to see us together. He was 300lbs, bad fashion, bad everything but safe, warm, a Christian, and good dad material. I am 5’7, blonde, athletic build (with a bit added softness) master’s degree and….I’m not that great but I do look good on paper right? 🙂

    Well, that safe bubble was burst when he contacted a divorce attorney. I’ve been in a spin ever since–grasping for God, living on your website, praying, seeking counseling and even dabbling in drug use to numb my reality. I thought if I was sexy, lunged at him, wanted him all the time and spend hours daily trying to make myself look hot, that he would stay no matter what AND he would compromise to not watch porn.I became hypersexualized (like I was before having kids) when I felt threatened he would leave. I definitely was using sex as a tool, but he’s my husband so I don’t feel shame. I mean, I thoroughly enjoyed our frequent and adventurous sex life. I always knew he watched porn. It bothered me but not like it had in former relationships. In retrospect, I believe that was because I thought he would never leave. I wasn’t threatened by the porn b/c I felt safe.

    Fast forward 12 months. We are exactly where we started this time last year. I am literally sick to my stomach about the hours and hours I’ve poured over trying to persuade my husband that it is cheating on me when he masturbates and has thoughts thick with lust for probably every woman he comes into contact with. He divulged to me last year that when he watches porn, he notices himself checking out his female colleagues more and thinking sexual thoughts about them. My husband works 12 hr shifts 4 days in a row. I am a single mom during this time. I have massive insecurities when he’s working. He gaslighted me this whole time that I was crazy and jealous and I needed help. He kept saying that I need to go back to my psychiatrist to adjust my meds. This is all text-book gaslighting–making the victim question herself and ultimately lose touch with reality and become co-dependent. I am there. You would not recognize me from the strong highly educated driven young woman I was in my 20’s.

    So I’ve lost Debbie. I could tell when he watched porn b/c he wouldn’t be all over me. I would suspect and mention it. He’d react (deny) and emotionally abandon me along with sexually. I’ve had dozens of mini breakdowns that my kids were dragged through from this scenario repeating itself over and over….and I was right the whole time and I knew it.

    I’m never going to be enough Debbie, none of us our. I keep going over in my head how I didn’t see this coming when I was dating my husband. What did I miss? I come from a broken abusive, etc home, so I decided early on I would not repeat that drama. I married my husband b/c I was sure he didn’t have this type of “average” man in him–self serving, selfish, lying, lusting and let’s face it, eventually infidelity. I’ve had this conversation so many times with my husband. He doesn’t want to stop. I have to accept that but I will miss the true love we had this past year when I thought I was the only one. That’s pretty naive of me. He also has major issues with appropriate boundaries with women. He will be anyone’s big shoulder to cry on–especially for women. I think this is from him not getting any female attention while growing up. In order for me to give it all over to my husband (ultimate trust with my heart) he had to curb these female relationships and stop watching porn. He’s told me he has but I have no way of knowing. He works in a lockdown facility. I wanted to believe him even though I knew he could lie easier than be honest….and I did believe him for my own sanity. Now? I’m questioning everything. I’m recalling all these painful converstations we had where I cried my eyes out and poured my heart out to him making myself uncomfortably emotionally vulnerable. All of those conversations were an act. I can’t believe it….or I can. My dad was like this and so is my brother. I can’t believe I was this tricked. There’s no faithful in mind and body men. It’s unnatural, against the grain, and….I can understand why some women get divorced and become a lesbian. There’s a lot of people like that in California and I’ll admit, these gals are happy or so it appears.

    Please pray for me to be able to lift my head this week. My trust has been broken for the last time. I wish this wasn’t true but it’s become almost involuntary. My overly trusting soul has given in too many times that my brain is finally saying, “that’s it! You no longer can trust this guy based on your love for him.”
    Thanks for all you do Debbie. I plan to tithe to your program once I’m not overdrawn in my bank account (5 days. ) Ha!

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